Interests:computer, sharing thinkings with close people, talk about political and social stuffs, God Expertise:graduated on May 08, want to go to IT field,CompTIA A+ certified on 2/26/09 :)last update: 05/21/08 Occupation:field tech?
Really like the praying life book. The author points out various common but rarely asked questions about prayer. The important part is to be childlike, which is a challenge, and ask, let God to be part of our plans like pastor Wilson sometimes talk about, but many don’t know what it means.
My emotion later in the day is roller coaster again, especially when I think of my sister’s friend often posting pictures of eat and having fun with his friends on facebook. Again, money is the easy part. Once you have enough money, you can go out and eat and have fun. The hard part is who are you going with? Whether it is eating, or playing something, or watch movie (haven’t go out watch movie for a long time), or other things. No, I am not crazy about karaoke.
All these remind me of how pathetic I am now. Half a trainman, stay home most of the time (to save money), got no job, no money, not much friends (outside church), no plans for future, no nothing. I don’t know which one is worse – even the real trainman inside that movie or drama got a full time job (otherwise he won’t even have money for his hobby of collecting stuffs)…
And I still cannot get rid of the feeling of no one loves me, this makes me further emotionally lonely. Sometimes I do wonder what am I living for. I want to be a super hero my day dream, because I am a classic loser in real life…
I really need networking to meet more people so that I won’t drive myself crazy at home. The job search meeting lost its function, but not going and getting some fresh air end up greatly hurt my morale on doing things, and largely lost direction in life. That’s why there is more delay on the techblog these weeks – I don’t have much mood on it now like previously.
I didn’t go to the bi-weekly job search support in covenant of faith this week, and I don’t think I will go anymore, no point. It looked good in the beginning, it really had a form of support group. But, as fewer and fewer people to attend, the meaning of the whole meeting is less. In the pass few times, I went there largely because I can talk with Leona on her ride back home (but not much to do in the actual meeting time). Leona long has comments about it.
Well, I got to say, not many people on both sides (comers and helpers) understand the importance of networking. For comers, they just focus on the traditional resume and interview. Once they are done, they are gone. For helpers, from time to time they don’t seem to know what they should do either. What upsets Leona the most is, she has passion on this whole thing, but cannot do it the way she wanted, has to go through the whole bureaucrat, which seems like dragging her feet.
The good news is, she said she is going to setup another networking meet herself in late November. This one will probably be more productive, and can really do networking with people. I am looking forward to it.
In yesterday’s meditation time, I follow the author’s suggestion, to pray by saying it instead of praying in my mind. He is right, it does feel more real. But I still feel a bit strange about it, and I don’t want my tenants hear me talking, so I pray with a low voice. The want to go back to the 90’s thing, the get upset when see people go to trip or eating out thing, plus the fact I don’t have much friends due to my virtually non-existence social skill.
I mean, going trip or eating out is not that hard financially, as long as you have the amount of money. It is who are you going with, that is the hard part. Going out and have fun (?!) by myself is just downright stupid. There is not much fun I can have just by myself, and will most likely make myself cry for this pathetic situation instead. I mean, consider all the close friends I have now outside the church can be counted by just one hand, then you can have some idea how pathetic I am. I like girls, beauty girls also, with sex, which is addictive. I am afraid of many things also, afraid of failure, rejection, new things, the future, you name it.
The book is right, I am messy – we are all messy, for the fact that we are sinners. My life is so messy that like 90% of it I can hardly manage. What people can see is just the surface 10% of it, they ain’t seeing the down under 90% of the rest, which is worse. No, I am not fine – I just pretended to be fine, a common strategy to not make myself look too bad. And yes, the problems are so messy that I don’t even know what exactly the problems are. Need to continue to read the book to see how prayer can let me dependent on God to deal with all these messes.
It is good to talk to different people once a while to get some fresh views.
As you can see previously, I felt like giving up on the techblog, shut it down when the time comes. But when I talked to Leona yesterday, I am refreshed again.
I wanted to talk to her on Tuesday’s job search support, but she was busy. Fortunately Fiona was there, so I wasn’t just sitting there, I chat with her.
Yesterday I was on phone with Leona for nearly 50 minutes. I felt pretty bad about this whole thing, but she said that as time goes, it will have its usage. When I think about it, yes, you can tell a lot about a person by his writing. First off, you can know his understanding on the topics, and then the ability to explain something to people who are not familiar with it. Also, you can tell his writing skill and literacy level. These are something that you cannot tell from a few minutes of interview.
Previously I was pretty shy about this techblog, now I am becoming more open. And from her suggestion, I even put this blog on my resume and on job search web sites, so that, like she said, people can know that even I am unemployed, I am not just sitting at home facing a wall, I am doing something productive. I am putting time and effort into something to educate, to inform people, and doing it consistently. Of course, things take time to happen, so I don’t know when will someone finally read it, understand my knowledge, and have something for me. But, in the mean time, I am continuing to work on it.
Yes, it does take time and effort to follow this obligation (which I gave myself). But since I was committed to it, I go along with it. Until one day I officially shut it down, it is going to continue, this what I can do. For what I cannot control, like who is going to read it, and may eventually have something for me, that’s up to God. Well, in this case, I will have a chance to test whether my theory works, that when you are committed into something, put your time and effort on it, then it will eventually pay off.
The newest Windows 7 is out today. I am testing out a copy in another system earlier, so far so good (besides some bad changes). I will upgrade my window someday, but of course not right now, My XP is still good. I will wait till one day this window is too messed up (probably after doing crazy things), then I will change window.
Previously I said that I don’t know what to expect from the techlog, and don’t want to expect anything either. Well, not exactly. Yes, I do have some expectation (after all I did put on the effort). My ideal is I can get myself some kind of a job from this. In another word, this is my unusual way of finding a job. Yes, it is very ideal, may be too ideal that it is somewhat surreal. But, as a line from the movie “the ultimate gift” said, “walk away and you will never know, will you?”, yes, it is surreal, but, you will never know what you will end up getting until you try, won’t you?
This is the same thing I told Kelly when he left his flash drive in school (Pace U), didn’t realize it until that night. The drive has all his papers and projects. End up he get this flash drive back. You know, he thought it will be gone forever. Yes, the chance of getting it back is slim, but “walk away and you will never know, will you?”, and there is a happy ending. I am so touched by this line for some reason.
So, from last week I have an interesting idea. In my profile, I state that I am looking for a job. And from my written topics, people already see I know the stuffs (they serve as a kind of resume). Today when I finished another topic, I ask readers to go to my profile to read it. This way, people can know that I am not writing topics because I got too much time on my hand and have nothing to do. I am writing this as a way for people to see my potential and knowledge, and hopefully someone may have something for me.
Of course, there is no guarantee, I may end up just writing it. That’s why I give it two more weeks as Leona suggested, give it a reasonable amount of time to see the reaction. If indeed nothing happen, I will probably close the techblog at the end of this month or early next month. Yes, it is sad if this is the case, but there is no point to continue anyway if end up really nothing happens. There is a risk, somewhat like gambling, I realize it when I had this idea with Leona. And yes, the chance of getting something from it is slim. But again, “walk away and you will never know, will you”?
The Verizon tech guy came after 8 in the morning on Tuesday. He wants to access the modem page, so I have to change a few settings in it since I use my own router. But, the way to access it doesn’t work for some reason, so I have to reset the modem’s setting. I was pretty nervous about this, and I don’t want to take too much of his time. Because of this nervousness, I remember the wrong password for the login access. That morning was pretty all hell break loose. The good news is, the tech guy is pretty nice, patient and friendly. I actually apologized a few time for this mess, but he is ok.
Long story short, the conclusion is the same as before, my home is too far away from the CO, I can only get 6.5mb tops in this 7.1mb plan, and the modem still can barely keep the speed, so any bad connection will further decreases the speed. I then take the last filter out so that it is one filter each phone line (also changed a possible problematic line). The tech guy asked me a few times that do I want to downgrade to 5mb plan. I was considering it, assuming it will be cheaper, but it is not, so no point. This speed drop mess is pretty much gone, back to top speed I can get. I really want to get fios…
Now I can better manage my emotion. Yes, I am still an emotion oriented person, I still get emotional over some small things, but they don’t drive me crazy anymore. Now, if I can do the same thing for my easy addiction over sex. Yes, I know I am just going to a deep deep hole which has no end, only because the surface is attractive. I found out for a while that you can know all the theory or theology, all different method you want, but there is still one thing that you can hardly get rip of – human nature. Your sinful nature just loves this thing (among others) regardless of the consequence behind.
Yes, the verses from fathersloveletter.com is sweet, but doesn’t work very well so far. I don’t know, when I first read the verses, I can hardly believe it (I still am). You know, it is such perfect and unconditional love that you cannot find it anywhere else, it is almost too good to be true. In fact, it really feels like too good to be true that I think in the back of my mind I don’t quite believe it. That’s why after I read them, I ask God to let me believe it is true, and accept it. Really, when something looks too good to be true, we often have a hard time believing it.
Ok, this is it, this is the week Leona is going to teach, on Thursday, which she will introduce my tech blog to her students. I set a time before that I will make a decision on late October whether I continue the blog or not. Really, there is no point of having supply without demand. Well, technically it is not “no demand”, it is more like a big unknown. I really don’t know what will happen. But, to be safe, I don’t want to expect anything (I don’t know what to expect anyway). This is one of the things we hate – the uncertainty. I don’t know, let God decide the result. But, to not give myself empty dreams, I think I better expect nothing from it, and expect to close it in late October, or even earlier, the worst case.
